How to calm a weasel
by xotakux2002x
Summary: kisame gives step-by-step instructions for calming a weasel. WARNING: none of these methods have been tested outside the world of fanfiction. use at your own risk. kisaita, fluff, oneshot


Kisame walked into the living room to find Deidara walking around, grumbling as he picked up several strangely shaped objects. Kisame raised a brow at the large bundle of objects already tucked under Deidara's arm. "Deidara, what are you doing?" he finally asked.

"He's trying to put me back together," Sasori snapped, nearly making Kisame jumped out of his skin. The shark finally recognized one of the things tucked under Deidara's arm as Sasori's head. "What happened?" he managed to get out.

"I made Itachi mad, and he was gonna kill me, un," Deidara explained, grabbing what appeared to be Sasori's forearm from the floor. "Then danna came into the room and saved me, un. But Itachi tore him to pieces, and now Sasori danna's all over the base, un."

"Would you kindly try to calm the weasel down?" Sasori asked.

"No problem. Any idea where he went?" Kisame said.

"Outside, un. We locked the door as soon as we were sure he was gone," Deidara explained, exiting the room in search of the rest of the Akasuna. "Damn, danna, how many pieces of you are there?"

"Just shut up," Sasori's voice said. "Be grateful that these are my pieces and not yours."

"Yes danna." The shark shook his head; those two easily tied with Hidan and Kakuzu as the weirdest couple in the Akatsuki. But never mind that now. The shark had a job to do.

Kisame exited the base ten minutes later with Samehada, dango, and a plan. He'd been with Itachi long enough to know what to do when the Uchiha got mad, and his system never failed.

STEP ONE: Find the weasel.

As luck would have it, the Uchiha was sitting near his training ground, an aura of pure malice radiating from his body and wilting all plants within a twenty foot radius. Ok, now came the tricky part.

STEP TWO: Make the weasel let all his anger out without killing the shark.

Kisame approached his partner cautiously, sitting next to him. "You look ticked off, Itachi."

"Hn," the weasel answered.

"Deidara was still picking up Sasori's pieces when I left. What happened?"

"That damn blonde stole my shampoo again!" Itachi spat out, glaring at a daisy until it caught fire.

STEP THREE: Take the weasel's side without hurting the other members.

"You've told him not to do that before, right?" Kisame asked innocently.

"YES! And then, he had the nerve to follow me around, challenging me to a rematch! That's what Sasuke's there for; I don't need two of them running around. And then, just as I was about to strangle him, that stupid puppet comes in and tells me to back off…" The weasel began mumbling to himself, and it took all of Kisame's self-control not to shake his head or roll his eyes. That would have meant certain death.

Instead, he began speaking again. "I don't get why it's such a big deal. You could beat Deidara or Sasuke, and you already beat Sasori."

"I guess," Itachi replied, and though he didn't show it, Kisame knew that his words were having their effect on the Uchiha. Ok, crisis averted.

STEP FOUR: Feed the weasel.

"Are you hungry?" he asked.

"Not really. Why?"

"I came out here to train, and I brought some food with me," Kisame explained, grabbing the dango and showing it to Itachi. "I know you like dango, so-" the weasel snatched the food out of the shark's hand and began nibbling on the soya balls, focused on his food. "I thought you'd like it," Kisame finished.

"Hn," was all Itachi said as he continued to eat, finishing off the sweet treat quickly.

STEP FIVE: Spend time with the weasel without spending time with the weasel.

"Itachi, I'm gonna be out here training for a while," Kisame stated. "Wanna join me?"

"Alright," Itachi said, drawing a knife.

Kisame and Itachi were dueling with each other for the better part of the afternoon, before Itachi wore down and choose to sit on the sidelines, content to just watch the shark train. Around sundown, the shark finally stopped and walked over to his partner, sitting beside the Uchiha.

STEP SIX: Give the weasel love.

"Feel better?" he asked, scooping up Itachi and setting the weasel down in his lap.

"Somewhat," the weasel answered, snuggling into Kisame. The shark took this as his cue and began to rub circles into Itachi's back, making the weasel relax in his arms. Itachi was finally distressed, and allowed the touches to soothe him to the point of drowsiness. Kisame watched silently as the Uchiha's eyes shut, before his breathing leveled out. Itachi was asleep in his arms.

Carefully, so he wouldn't wake the Uchiha, he rose to his feet, carrying the weasel bridal style. "C'mon, angel," he whispered, walking back to the base.

Deidara watched in silent awe as Kisame crossed the room, carrying a sleeping Uchiha in his arms. "That shark has my eternal respect, un," he muttered, attaching Sasori's foot to his body.

"Mine as well," Sasori muttered, testing his body parts. "Deidara, why are there teeth marks in my foot?"

"It was in Zetsu's room, un."


End file.
